did you see the movie 'Stella'? NOT got her groove back, the other one-yeah, that's me on my 30th bday

It is now 3 hours away from the end of my 30th birthday, Friday September 30th, 9pm.
I must say this has been one of the saddest, loneliest days of my life. Not because I am 30, I was actually looking forward to this birthday and always envisioned a big celebration.
This was not the case. I woke up to a call from Mimi (my grandmother), whom probably forgot to say 'Happy Birthday' because the news she needed to deliver was much more important- I'm not being facetious; it was info she knew I was anxiously awaiting. That was at 9am. News delivered was not good, just another delay in my future plans-oh well, got over it. Of course, my 4 closest friends call and say 'Happy Birthday' -some calls I answered, others I let go to voicemail.
Pondering the fact that I have absolutely no plans- I begin to think maybe someone's planned a surprise party. Surely, I will be going out tonight...I go out every other weekend; I can't possibly be sitting at home-it's Friday!!! Everyone's busy tonight? Suspicious..
One of the phone calls I did answer, around noon, was one of my closest girlfriends-she insisted on taking me to lunch. By that time, I had decided that these imaginary b-day plans were going to be false so I booked a hotel room in Yountville (Napa) for the night. Couldn't bare the fact of being alone in my apartment one more night, let alone a milestone birthday. So, as best I could without starting to cry, I turned down the lunch invite.
Today happened to be a beautiful sunny San Francisco day-our Indian summer, as some call it. Thought I would do one of the 100 things I identified that make me happy-sunbathe. I must say, there is something about the sun that totally changes me-call it vitamin D or whatever you like, I call it probably my number one mood lifter. It's 1pm, leave for Napa at 4-I think to myself.
Sunbathing today occurred on the roof of my building-my favorite secret spot.
Sun bag for the roof consists of:
2 Beach towels- to lay on the gravel tar, iPod, cell phone-which didn't ring once :(, spiral notepad and pencil for journaling, Hawaiian Tropic oil SPF4, marlboro lights
I set myself up (30 SPF on my face, by the way), turn my iPod on shuffle, and start to feel better. All I want is for the sun not to go down, ever. My music playing struck an emotional cord in me, whether happy or sad, I feel it...my mood can also drastically change from one song to the next.
Fidgety, I am constantly checking my phone for missed calls. Like I really wouldn't hear it...right, but I'm wishing. I call my Dad, whose birthday it is also. We exchange happy b-days, and end up talking for a good hour...it was a nice conversation, and uplifted my spirits a notch more.
OK, really go to Napa by myself? How sad, I cancel the reservation-apologizing over and over to the agent on the line.
It's 4pm and my g/f who wanted to take me to lunch calls again and wants to come by...good, I thought, I need some social interaction-she's the best and her presence always makes me feel better. Upon arrival, she has brought me a beautiful slice of chocolate mousse cake, and a gift bag. I still have a hard time accepting gifts, always feel awkward and embarrassed about it...don't know why. This is one person who knows me and always picks out exactly what I love-it's amazing! From the card to the 3 items inside the gift bag, I couldn't have chose better for myself. Very special. We chat for an hour or so, and then she has to go. 18 mile run in the AM in preparation for the charity marathon she is doing in a couple weeks.
It's 6pm..no plans, should I just go to a bar by myself? No, maybe if I pretend I'm meeting someone there, I wouldn't feel so awkward and could easily strike up a convo with the person in the bar stool next to me-company, that's all-company.
No, I've stayed home-made myself a couple cocktails and started writing.
OK, I am going on and on.
The point I think I want to make is, my mom is and will always be the only person in my life who fusses over my birthday. She has done this since I can remember, themed princess birthdays, a cute party gift for each friend that came, pin the earring on Madonna when I was 10. Perfectly executed, and always made me feel special. If I didn't resist her this tradition would continue until I die- princess theme and all. I guess when that is what you are used to, your expectations remain that someone will plan something to recognize your day- without you having to do anything.
Maybe I should have planned something, which every one of my friends would have not missed. Don't get me wrong, I am the most fortunate person in this department, maybe I'm realizing something about myself-do I think I really am a princess on my birthday because that is what history has showed me? Is it wrong to hate to call and say 'it's my bday coming up, I want to plan something'-? I don't have many acquaintances in my life, these people are my extended family, and me reminding them is so uncouth-to me, at least.

In writing all of the above I had an epiphany....

This is...

A tribute to my loving mother, who gave birth to me-her only child-30 years ago.
Thank you for all my special birthdays, which I never appreciated as much as I do today.

I love you!

it's now midnight and not my birthday anymore…and I’m OK with that