wifey

For the past week, I have pondered the word(s)-Wifi, Wifey, Wiffy...

this due to our fresh new internet connection at the flat.

Carlos says Wifey...I say 'No, I don't have a 'wifey', nor do I have a 'hubby'

Stephan says Wiffy...I say 'Would you like some tea with that wiffy?'

It's YYYY FYYYY!!!!!!!! Wifi, not wifey, not wiffy, not pouffy...

This has also made me search my third husband 'Mr. Google' for the word 'Wifey'...

and much to my FABULOUS, PLEASANT surprise...look what I found...

*****ready for this one??*****

this girl is my hero...

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I've wondered if I need to be preparing for a future boyfriend and that if I am more proactive and more 'wifey' that I'll snare a man. So I've put together a hypothetical list of things that could potentially up my chances.

7 Hypothetical behavioral Changes That Could Make Me A Wifey...

1. Be a bit quieter. I'm known as a 'people person' which is polite for loud mutherf*cker that doesn't seem to know when to shut up. I can talk for England and sometimes it's good to take a backseat and let the guy have his moment.

2. Cut down on the swearing. I was brought up in Dublin and the Irish are wonderfully expressive (Think of that fine ass Colin Farrell!). I admit to being partial to the F word and I am fascinated by the word 'mutherf*cker'. I don't say it all the time before anyone gets the wrong idea but it can make a story very funny and it's lovely and horrible when you want to be mean about someone. It probably won't get me any brownie points with some guys though so an adjustment in anger vocabulary and storytime adjectives may be necessary.

3. Dress less sexy and fashion conscious and more homely and wifey. I think that for some crazy reason, some guys look at stylish women and think unobtainable, difficult, career woman, ambitious, money hungry as opposed to thinking woman that likes her clothes but probably wouldn't buy as much if she got the house, husband and the 2.4 children. Okay, that's a lie about me not buying as many clothes but I'm wifey material, I swear. I must have a look in Selfridges and see if they sell housecoats...

4. Be a virgin. Again. Wipe out the past and be what most guys egos want, which is for him to think that he's the only one who's had you.

5. Learn how to cook elaborate dinners. I can cook, but maybe if I step it up a notch and demonstrate this to a guy I date, I'll be able to reel him in. How I would learn to do this when I'm cooking for one, going out loads, and slobbing out on the couch when I get home, hasn't quite been figured out, but I'm sure I'll think of something.

6. Start to like ironing. For some reason I've always attracted men that seem to iron really well, and even though I can iron, I hate it like most women I know. The ironing has become a bone of contention a few times and my ex fiance shouted at me in one of our last arguments 'And by the way: Don't bloody bother to iron my shirts because you leave more lines in them than a London Underground map and I hate having to thank you for them.' What a sh*t, but I did wonder today that instead of dreaming about burning holes in all of their shirts when they whinge, I could instead learn how to love this chore.

7. Be a damsel in distress. Every single guy I know thinks that I am super strong and even if I cried like a freakin baby tomorrow, they'd still think that I can cope. This means that guys often don't feel like they get to play their needed role that much with me because I'm perceived as being self-sufficient and strong. This means that the girl who does emotional will always win even if she secretly wrecks his head because he gets to play the 'male' role really well. Now it would be a big act to pull off but I think I could learn how to look vulnerable and as if I need to be propped up by a sturdy man. I think if I do this alongside being quiet, guys will be keen to rescue me and be my problem solver.

And 7 reasons why I won't....

1. Me? Quiet? I don't bloody think so! When I'm quiet, people are convinced that there's something wrong. It is my civic duty to be my noisy self. Quiet comes when I'm asleep or watching one of my favorite shows.

2. Do bears sh*t in the woods? Swearing is naughty fun and funny enough, I pick and choose when I want to be 'expressive'. I do it more for it's entertainment value and when I'm angry but I don't say feck and arse after every word. I think it's more a case of when I swear, it has impact...

3. I don't do the whole Plain Jane thing. I'm not a dedicated follower of fashion and I have my have my own style. I'm not walking around with my boobs out and whilst I am prone to having my skirts blown up, I don't think there is anything wrong with how I dress. I like to look good and there is more to me than how I dress. If a guy judges me because I have a too stylish clothes on, we're probably not destined for each other. Funny, I doubt that I will lose brownie points for wearing my lovely FMB's (F*ck Me Boots)

4. I have not been around the block, but on the few occasions where I have tested people out and told them that I'm a virgin, they've all pissed themselves laughing. Apparently nobody believes that I would have gone out with a guy for an extended period of time without road testing him. Too bleedin right!

5. I'm trying to keep down my little steroid tummy not bloody increase it! I can't go on a big learn-to- cook-drive because I would have to eat every recipe I tried. Once I've done my recipe, what am I supposed to do? Have a candlelit dinner by myself? Jaysus!

6. When I was a little girl, I didn't think 'One day I want to be really good at ironing'. I'm sure that when I've got a family I will just get on with doing it, but in the meantime I will keep walking past the linen basket of clean clothes that are screaming to be ironed for God knows how many months. What they need is a good strong man to take the creases out. Oh, I know, I'll call my eager beaver ironing ex!

7. When I was a little girl I didn't get the parts in the play like Cinderella, Snow White and whoever that woman was in the King and I, and there was a reason. I'm sure being a shite actress may have something to do with it, but NML doesn't do damsel in distress. What any half decent guy needs to realise if he steps up the plate is that underneath my so-called hard exterior is a soft centre. I may be quite self-sufficient but that doesn't mean that I'm not a soppy cow! For Gods sake, this is the same woman that cried in my bed on Sunday morning, when Ryan Chappelle got killed in 24 and when Jack Bauer cried at the end of series 3!

YOU GO GIIIRRRRLLL...take those words out of my mouth!

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